He Died.

My paternal grandfather passed away yesterday.
But this comes with mixed emotions.
1) Because as of earlier today, I didn't even know his first name. Which Im sure at one point I was told his name, but it was not stored in my memory. That is how irrelevant he has been in my life.
2) He had 15 kids. My grandmother had 8. He had 15 kids. My grandmother was married to my grandfather until the day she died last summer(it should be mentioned that I am the exact replica of her). Pappa was a rolling stone. Even worst the city they lived in was 7.3 sq. miles. In the Mississippi Delta...Cleveland to be exact. My grandfather even had a child with my grandmother's sister.
3) I only have two memories of him. The first was in the summer when I went to visit my maternal grandmother(she lived in cleveland as well), I was in the car with my Aunt and she says, "hey there is your grandfather, mowing the lawn at the church". So we had to stop, which im sure i didnt want to, I spoke. He seemed to be a jolly fat old man, but still felt no connection. I mean you could have pointed out any man and told me that was my grandfather. I think I was around 7.
The second, had to be one holiday when we were in Cleveland. Probably Christmas 2006. My mom asked if I wanted to go see my grandmother on our way back home. I didnt mind. Although I never liked going there. between you and me. So anyhow when we pull up there is the skinny man somewhere between laying and sitting on the bench by the front door. Anybody could have mistaken him for dead. I think he eyes were rolling in the back of his head, and they were yellow(always a sign of sickness) with a hint of red.He began to move from the bench as we procceded to enter the house, but he went in a direction opposite from us as if he had not even notice anyone was there. I had to be told that was my grandfather. Since he had lost a drastic amount of weight.
Those are my two memories.


And so last summer when my paternal grandmother passed away, I attended the funeral. At this funeral I learned about all the kids outside the marriage, he alcholism, and anything else offered up about him. The gossip at the time was he still messed around, and even had a girlfriend. This man has to be 75 and above. I stared at him the whole time at the repass. I just kept wondering if he cared that my grandmother had died, did he feel sorry for his mistreatment of her, I mean did he even care that he was an absent father/grandfather?


I am at a lost for what I should do. Not sure if I should attend the funeral, my mom keeps asking if I want to go. Idk. Then I will have to see my dad(and thats a whole different post)

I goggled my grandfather's name as Jesse Winters Mississippi>>Found This<<. Yeah, his phone number and address. Made me kinda sad to see his number as if he was a living person. oh yeah and he had prostate cancer of all things. Not sure what his cause of death was.

All I know is that....He Died.

Rather Interesting........

Comparison of Bright vs Gifted

Bright Child vs. Gifted Child

Knows the answers.
Asks the questions.


Interested.
Extremely curious.


Pays attention.
Gets involved physically
and mentally.


Works hard.
Plays around, still gets
good test scores.


Answers questions.
Questions the answers.


Enjoys same-age peers.
Prefers adults or older
children.


Good at memorization.
Good at guessing.


Learns easily.
Bored. Already knew the
answers.


Listens well.
Shows strong feelings
and opinions.


Self-satisfied.
Highly critical of self
(perfectionistic).

Source: Janice Szabos as quoted in "The Gifted and Talented Child," Maryland Council for Gifted & Talented Children, Inc. P.O. Box 12221, Silver Spring, MD 20908

i wanna be a rapper

Except:

I have no vocal ability, no cool name, and I have the most serious case of stage fright.
But I did write a little rap verse to put on for my girls. I mean we all need a soundtrack to our fabness.

soo here goes

okay cut my music up(thats what im saying in the background).


I put on for my girls
A fashion faux pas never
They say oui oui love you
D*** right I put on for my girls
They want me to teach them
My fly-ness but it takes highness
It cost riches, you need to figure a-head
Even if you were to count ahead
You would need more than just great head
I stay around just to count the ex-es
Next-ess always seem like the bestest
Rate quoting my sexy-ness

I put on for my girls

Origin-nally made, not to be duplicated
Nor counterfeit, I rebel against outer-fits
You buy hermmes, I rather her-made
For those who need me to rephrase home-made
Time to watch me shoot those ducks
They stay quacking at my heels
Waiting for me to crack
I never will…they wanna see me lose
And I must say I never will
But you need to know there is a difference; between you and I
And it must be stated that
You are competing
And me…I have already won
Yeah..I put on for my girls



If you dont know, my sense of humor is pretty keen, maybe a little weird. and I am laughing so hard at this. Edub I know you are too. Thats the real rapper.
Okay i am done for now, because I dont want anybody trying to sign me.

Just Come.

I love this guy.



So its finally that time for Mr. Grip's album to be released 'Grip-Hop' on 08.08.08. Come through make a cameo on the video set at Lenny's Bar, even get a free copy of the CD because we love you so. And party afterwards at El Bar.
If that isnt enough there will be performances as printed on this nicely crafted flier above..hehe.
I am sure i'll see you there.
I mean what else do you have to do on 808?

So I Went to the Beach

And the Georgia Aquarium...and MLK's House...and White Water...and the High Museum...and i cant think of anything else because my brain is fried. Exhausted is not even the word. The fmai was in town for the Summer Atlanta Trip 08 (as we deemed it). The fam had a good time, and thats all that matters.
So here are the pictures that most intrigued me...






at the aqua.






i am obsessed with fields.


i had to do it.

















overall i had a fabulous time.

The Classics

As some of you may know by now, I do plan to be an author of some sort of book. But not just any ole book, but a classic! Soooo I have decided against my own will to read those books considered 'classics'. I have always done my own thing with writing, and did not want to study the works of others. I dont want my original ideas to be shaped by the style of others. I want to give light to my own style. I am in my own way as of now, and it is time to study those who have come before me.

And the point of all this is my reading of James Baldwin's "Go Tell It On The Mountain". I read the book in two days.[and its not long anyhow]. But the book for me was phenomal. I am not sure what I thought the book was about, but it totally caught me off guard to say the least. The book is comprised of maybe three scenes at the most, but out of those three scenes Baldwin was able to tell the story of the people involved. Hopefully that makes sense to those who have not read the book. The book is important to the black community, and especially the black church.
Sometimes I dont like the stamp "classic"...because it causes you not to critique the book on your own merits. Everyone accepts the stamp of approval, and many dont even read them to understand their importance.

So pick up a classic........Here is a link to full text books on the web, for those who dont frequent the book store >>REad<<

Black In America.

I must take this time out to say I am thoroughly and utterly upset about the special “Black In America” that aired on CNN last night.

Maybe my expectations were too high or maybe it was just trash. You tell me?
The number one problem I have is the breakdown of Part I and Part II. Why is that Part I is entitled “The Black Woman and The Family”, while Part II is entitled “The Black Man”….There are problems that as a black woman I face that are totally separate from the family, and really have nothing to do with the family. I understand that black single women and children are the family, and that is the problem in itself. The Black man is being shown as a separate entity from the family. Whether he is the father or the son or the brother, he is included in the Black Family.

So after watching I asked myself, what was the thesis? and…. Why did they start the special with a family that found their white grandfather (who cares)? I mean how many black people don’t have other cultures/races in their background. I don’t know about you, but Im not trying to be accepted by white people on the grounds that I have white in my family. That aspect of Black culture was nothing new. Let’s just start there.

The extent of my problems with the show was so wide I am not sure what to touch on. It should be said that I am Black in America, and feel that special did not depict me at all; especially as a young Black woman in America. The special just gave a bunch of stats that showed where Black people were, but did not show how they got there. The case was not cracked. I mean for goodness sake they did not even talk about institutionalized racism which causes all these discrepancies between Blacks’ and their economic status. Nor did they even show solutions. At some point we have to be able to talk about what is being changed, instead of what is continuing to go wrong. Okay so AIDS/HIV is the number one killer of Black women, so what are you gonna do about it? You aren’t going to provide them with medicine to keep there life going. There is a direct correlation between poverty and health. So if you don’t have the money, you don’t have the medicine plain and simple. Okay so Black children have a high drop out rate, so are you going to improve their schools? Or were you even willing to show these schools they are dropping out of? Until America is willing to make schools equal, don’t show me that crap. I am totally disgusted.

And excuse me for a moment if you are of mixed race: But what did the interracial piece have to do with being “Black in America”. I mean the fact that we only had two hours (and a total of four), and you decided to spend a great deal of time on being of mixed race. What was the point? The special only catered to Barack Obama, and the speech he gave on race. Now all of sudden America is suppose to care about what it is like to be Black, and if they watched that they still don’t get it. I think it is a valid issue(being of mixed race), and should be discussed. Especially if the special was given more time to show a spectrum of Black people. But that is just not the case.

I really could go on, but im not going to stay on my soap box…I will say that today I almost started crying about this special, and my Aunt even told me she couldn’t sleep because of it…..But I must say the special did show what it is like to be “Black In America”….It got your hopes all up(black people anyway) that things were gonna to be good, and they were gonna finally air our story, and America would understand our plight…but then you watched and realized they still don’t get it, and they never will get….
So at this point i just dont give.

So Excuse My Human State....

Rihanna is not an Aquarius as I stated on my last post. Her birthday is February 20th, and she is a Pisces. Which means she is on the cusp( Aquarius/Pisces) and does have personality traits of an Aquarius.Forgive me because I was misinformed. People are really funny to me, they never see the point of what you are saying if in fact you misspell, or misquote something. Sorry I am human, and forgot to be perfect.

And I will continue to blog...(to you anonymous). Thanks I love you too! I am glad you are reading.

"It's The Aquarius In Me"

Many people dont follow astrology, nor believe that it has any validity. Well screw you..lol...im not one of those people. I am an Aquarius to the fullest. So much that I find myself having the most to say about fellow Aquarians (who just happen to be celebs). My major critiques are the fact that they have no personality, or just dont give enough of themselves. So I decided to compile a list of just a few celebs I have done this to. Please forgive me, for I have used you to talk about my own character flaws..i assume.

Number #1: Lauren Conrad.
Well lets just say she is fashionable, but so blah sometimes. I always ask myself "how did she get a show?"....



Number #2: Kerry Washington

I never have too much to say about her, mainly because I dont feel there is much to say. Besides the fact that she is gorgeous, and a talented actress. Maybe that is all I should be saying.haha.

Number #3: Jennifer Anniston

I have always accused her of not giving enough personality. And the fact that I can never get a feel for her personality. Funny thing is a very perceptive person once told me that we had similar face structure, and that it seemed we would act alike. Strange thing to say, but I guess it may have some validity.

Number #4: Rhianna

Well well...I love this chica....Her style is great, her music is good..She just never gives me enough on the performance end.

I guess it is the lot of an Aquarius to be misunderstood, but still have the world wanting more. Aquarians have this quiet alluring side to their personality. They are very private people. They also have some duality about their personality, not always sure how much to share of themselves with the outside world. They give you just enough to keep you coming back for more, and you are never sure how they got in your head. But indeed they are there, and usually there to stay.

INTP (Introversion, iNtuition, Thinking, Perceiving)

Yesterday I went to Barnes and Nobles for one of my usual weekend trips, and was given this book about what careers fits best based upon your personality type.
Come to find out I am INTP as the title states. According to one of those statics that you arent sure who is polled, INTPers are 1% of the population. Basically nobodys. This acrynom comes from the Myers-Briggs test>>If you want to know more<<. INTP are often misunderstood because their thinking is very complex. At times it can be hard for them to express their thoughts where others can understand. I didnt really even get to the jobs because I was so fascinated with my kind. Apparently INTP's mask their feelings a lot because they like things to be logical. So they will even diss miss their own thoughts/feelings if they have no logical base. They can be seen as cold hearted because of this, but with true understanding of INTP's you will see it is not intentional. We also hold our self and others to very high standards, and tend to look down upon character flaws. But if we focus on the light hearted side of our personality, and leave room from for feelings things should be just fine. With that being said I have decided that I must air my feelings. ooooh even writing that made me automically clam up. But Im gonna try anyway:

• I Feel...really bad sometimes that I dont talk to my dad. His birthday was on the 16th, and I didnt care to call him. It is unfortunate that we dont have a relationship. I do blame him for my current state with men.
• I Feel...that I am totally in love with someone at this very moment, but wouldnt dare tell the person. I tend to think its better to give no light to love. I rather not feel tied to someone, it just makes you so vulnerable. And thats scary to me.
• I Feel....scared to be successful. Because I really do know that I am powerful beyond measure.
• I Feel....Like I have to act as if i am a hard a**, so people wont really see how I feel. But at times I really dont care about things most people do.
• I Feel...that crying is the best thing to do, but I wont ever let anyone see me cry.
• And lastly I feel like im telling all my business, and I must stop now..lol

You just dont know how hard that was.

So try to share a feeling with someone that you wouldnt normally share. Its kinda refreshing.