brink of happiness

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have you ever been on the brink of something like happiness and been afraid of it?
happiness is one of those things that we all want, but i fear that most are afraid of it, even myself.
right in the midst of all that’s going on i feel as if im happy, or soon to be. but on the flipside i fear claiming it, because the downside of happiness is sadness as we all know. so it seems better to just play the role, and not let ppl know that you are beaming on the inside. happiness is one those things that has an inverse affect on some ppl, they become jealous and what to know what gives you the right to be so happy…instead of maybe embracing the same ideas you have about life in order to become happy.
i got a phone call from the bestes about this very thing today…about the fear of happiness, and how we sometimes block it…and for a few weeks i have been on the brink of this happiness thing….
and at this point i guess i could tell you how this feeling came about…the plain ole cliché way…i found myself. it started with embracing myself earlier this year…and not being afraid of whatever is that i was, and what i was to become…i stopped labeling ppl and things and i let them be just as they are…no need to be disappointed or overly excited about too many things….then time just sort of kept going..and before long this new insight was embedded in my actions….
then the ah ha moment happen (yes, the O moment)…and as i said i found myself…AT the moment i stopped trying to find myself…funny how that happened. i got to the point where i enjoyed me more than anyone else could, or more than i enjoyed anybody else. we had a fling…we fell in love.
now i know exactly what i want from life, and what im gonna get..i know how much to give, how much not to give, and when to give it.
dare i say im happy? still, im not sure i can utter those words. if i give that voice to whats making me happy then it will no longer exist, that’s what is in the back of my head.


while i was writing this i got a phone call about some bad news…but after i heard the news i felt just the same about the day…but i didn’t let the person know that i was thinking this way..because its one of those things you aren’t sure they would understand.
so maybe i really am happy…and even a little bad news cant bring me down? sorry so long..i just thought you would want to know.

i think its my turn to make sure he is happy.
oh yes and happy birthday to my grandmother…she was such a beautiful soul, and i hope i carry her well.
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